MacMillan Readers, in case you're unaware, are "retellings" of great works of literature. They use "simplified" language. (I'm sorry I'm using so many quotation marks. It's a defense mechanism.) As if a novel or a play were nothing but its plot. This is the equivalent of taking a sumptuous five-course meal, boiling down all its nutritional content into a pill, and expecting us not to care about the difference.
Language has a profound effect on the very way we think. You know where I learned that? A book called 1984 in which the evil powers-that-be rewrite all literature in a new language called "Newspeak," which strives to simplify the English language to the most basic phrases and words. Why? To limit the thoughts of its citizens so they can be more easily controlled. It should be noted that 1984 is conspicuously unavailable as a MacMillan Reader.
But I'm a realist. This is the way the world works. When we feel that we're struggling to meet a certain standard, we simply lower it. What I mean to say is: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Therefore, I am proposing that MacMillan no longer limit themselves to literature. I would like to be at the forefront of this expansion. Our students need us to lower standards in every subject. After all, how else will they learn?
For MacMillan's consideration:
SOCIAL STUDIES: THE CONSTITUTION
Preamble:
We are American. We want to be safe, happy, and generally okay. In this document, we will discuss methods and policies that will help to maintain our safety, happiness, and okayness.
Article I: The Legislative Branch
There will be a House, there will be a Senate.
Article II: The Executive Branch
There will be a President.
Article III: The Judicial Branch
There will be judges.
Article IV: The States
There will be states.
Amendment I:
Freedom of Speech.
Amendment II:
Hunting privileges.
Amendment III-XXVII:
No to slavery, yes to women's suffrage, no to alcohol, yes to alcohol.
ART: MONA LISA
FILM: CITIZEN KANE
EXT. KANE MANOR - NIGHT
The camera slowly moves across the outer fence of the property. There is a fence because Kane is very private. It is a big fence because he is also very rich. Kane's mansion is in the background, looming ominously above the landscape. The mansion is another indication of his richness.
INT. KANE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
CHARLES FOSTER KANE, old and feeble, lies in his giant bed. (It is giant because he is rich.) He is alone. (He is rich but ultimately unhappy.) He is holding a snowglobe which symbolizes his lost youth. It falls out of his hand which symbolizes his dying. With his last living breath, he says:
KANE
I am rich but ultimately unhappy and now
I'm just dead.
INT. OLD-TIMEY NEWSROOM - DAY
A Younger Kane is talking to one of his newsroom friends.
KANE
It's no trick to make a lot of money if all
you want to do is make a lot of money.
And that's all I want to do. That's why
I'm a newspaper man, dammit! I want
to make newspapers and money!
Kane's newsroom friend nods his head knowingly.
INT. OPERA - NIGHT
Kane watches as his wife sings onstage. She is a very bad singer but Kane is very rich and influential and managed to get her a part because he is rich and influential.
No one claps after she's done because she's so bad so Kane invents the slow clap. It works! Everyone claps.
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Some reporters are digging through Kane's old stuff after his death. One of the reporters moves towards the camera and says dramatically:
REPORTER
Mr. Kane was a man who got everything
he wanted and then lost it. I guess
you might say...he was rich but
ultimately unhappy and now he's
just dead.
Fade to black. The end.
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